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{fic} Trying to Breathe (1/1) Kirk/Spock

I'm actually really excited about this! =D

Trying to Breathe
By Clarity Scifiroots
Adults Only
~2,600 words
Summary: Prompt - Kirk is attracted to Spock and he’s also got a vague idea of how good they could be together due to little bits and pieces that filtered through the mind-meld with Spock-prime. But at the same time he’s freaked out by the fact that if Sarek didn’t call Spock off, he would’ve seriously choked him to death. So Kirk tries to stick to only being friends with Spock even though he really wants something more than friendship but he gets freaked out by it becoming more because he can’t get over the whole choking thing.
Originally posted in comments here
Recent edit: July 1, 2009

Spock can’t help but be quietly surprised at how quickly he and Kirk become friends in the first few months into their mission. In truth, despite his counterpart’s allusion to a strong bond with the captain, Spock expected an amicable relationship at best. Of course, Kirk – Jim – is to be credited with the determined push toward friendship. Spock shouldn’t be surprised since Jim has been unpredictable since they first crossed paths. However, it is in his nature to make predictions and calculate possible outcomes. Jim laughs at this and encourages Spock to relax, but there is also an unspoken understanding that this trait is an invaluable asset when it comes to official matters.

While Spock is close to eighty percent of the time unable to predict Jim’s responses (although it is easier to anticipate in professional capacities), he is quite able to “read” his captain. Jim, as humans say, “wears his heart on his sleeve” whenever surrounded by people he knows and trusts. During missions his expressions are usually contained and he maintains an appropriate amount of control.

It took a few weeks for Spock to adjust to Jim’s openness and accept the trust the human so willingly offered. Now used to the open display of emotion – and he has been aware of the man’s growing affection since the beginning – Spock is disconcerted when Jim suddenly trails off mid-sentence or his expression becomes shuttered. Spock attempts to find a pattern in their interaction that leads to these moments, but there is seemingly no rhyme or reason. This is most frustrating so Spock directs his investigation at another puzzle.

There are moments – rare, but noticeable – when Jim tenses, posture suggesting he’s prepared to defend himself. At these times Spock also notes a look of fear that flickers across his friend’s face and leaves an uneasy expression in its wake. For this reaction to occur Spock has found a pattern.

Spock has made an effort to initiate the occasional physical contact with Jim. His observations of the interactions between human friends frequently involves some sort of touching. With males, there is the flat smack of a hand on the other’s back; an arm wrapped around the shoulder during a joke or in commiseration; a “playful” punch to the shoulder; and even a hand near the neck or fingers ruffling a companion’s hair. Spock is skeptical of these practices and is unsure of their purpose, but he is willing to make an attempt at “normalcy” with Jim. In private.

Jim’s uneasiness appears after physical contact. At first Spock assumed the reaction to be one of shock, and Jim did admit his surprise. However, time passes and Spock hones his skill at reading James Kirk, and he discovers that there is something beyond initial surprise. Jim doesn’t tense up when anyone else touches him – at least not with any hint of fear. When Spock reaches out, Jim sometimes catches the motion in his peripheral vision and that look appears. When Spock catches him off guard, Jim has on occasion spun away and out of reach. Spock has attempted to apologize, but Jim waves him off every time, insisting it is not important.

Perhaps it is his frustration that finally focuses his attention in the right direction. Spock has determinedly increased the number of times that he touches Jim, attempting to provoke the captain just enough to get that last bit of information.

So it comes to be that when Spock steps into the captain’s quarters and sees Jim’s hunched over his desk with a pained expression, Spock moves instinctively to offer comfort. The moment he rests his hands on Jim’s shoulders, the man jerks upright and his breath speeds up. Spock resists the urge to move his hands, sensing that if he does, Jim will escape his questions once again.

“Jim…?” he prompts.

Jim swallows audibly and then slowly tips his head back to look up at his first officer. He doesn’t speak, but the fear is clear in his eyes and Spock finally understands.

He moves away immediately and rounds the desk to put space between them. Spock assumes his At Attention stance and stares at the wall above the captain’s head. The scene plays through his mind in sharp clarity and he cringes internally. It makes perfect sense. Of course Jim would be apprehensive of the Vulcan’s touch when their previous “encounter” had been nothing less than a vicious attack resulting in Jim facing asphyxiation.

Spock clears his throat, distinctly uncomfortable. “I apologize. I had not– That is, I did not think about the fact that my initiation of physical contact may result in you connecting it with my wholly inappropriate—”

“Spock.” Jim’s tone is tired but commanding. Spock presses his lips together and waits for the instruction to leave. Instead Jim insists, “Look at me.” Spock hesitates, the only outward sign of his reluctance to do so. The captain leans forward with his elbows on the desk, his face in his hands. “You don’t— Okay, apology accepted.” He rubs his temples and then sits up a little straighter, meeting Spock’s steady gaze.

“I’m sorry I keep… Shit. Look, it’s not like you’re really at fault. I said some awful shit. Have I—?”

“Yes. And I bear you no grudge,” Spock assures quietly.

“Oh, alright.” Jim shifts in his chair nervously. “Uh, would you sit down?” Spock does so but doesn’t relax. “Damn it, man. I...” Words seem to fail him and he stares hopelessly.

As the silence stretches, Spock decides to speak. “I will refrain from further physical contact. I apologize for making you uncomfortable.”

“No!” Jim leans further across the desk, his expression insistent. “That’s not what I want. I don’t know why I’m so goddamn jumpy. I don’t want to be!”

“Wishing does not change the fact that you respond defensively in the case of my… touch.” Spock is increasingly aware that the thought of being unable to have physical contact with Jim is most distressing. A strange sense of emptiness fills him and leaves him with symptoms similar to that of a stomachache.

“Spock…” Jim runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t want you to stop. Good God, I don’t want you to stop.”

There’s something unusual in that voice that makes Spock focus intently on the man before him. Jim is looking at him with a different kind of fear – nervousness – and something more. Longing? The emptiness of moments ago melts into liquid heat that threatens to undo Spock’s calm control. Despite his best attempts, something must show because suddenly Jim is on his feet and standing before him.

Please don’t stop,” Jim mutters, hands coming up to cradle Spock’s face. Before either of them can think it through, Jim’s mouth presses hard over Spock’s.

Jim doesn’t hesitate, using gentle nips to part Spock’s lips and then slips his tongue inside the other’s mouth. The man presses forward, moving their bodies closer and threatening his own balance. Automatically Spock raises his hands to hold Jim up, but as his fingers close around his friend’s arms, Jim tenses and breathes sharply.

“Fuck,” Jim hisses, turning his head aside. Spock hasn’t let go and can feel the slight trembling beneath his palms. “I’m sorry, shit, I’m sorry! What the hell… Why can’t I do this? I know you. I know you won’t—”

“Jim,” Spock cuts him off with a swiftly applied kiss. “If I may make a suggestion?”

For a moment the man doesn’t answer. Reluctantly Jim leans back a little to look down at his partner. “What?” he asks sullenly. Spock arches an eyebrow at the childish tone. At this Jim smirks. “Hey, I’m frustrated. In more than one way,” he says with a pointed look at the swell of his pants.

Spock refrains from comment and instead maneuvers so that he is standing in front of his captain, hands still on the man’s arms. The uneasiness has mostly faded, but Spock wants it gone completely. It won’t happen right now, he knows, and as Jim has alluded, there are more pressing issues.

“I assume that we both wish to continue without interruptions. However, my initiation of physical contact appears to hinder events.” Jim groans in frustration and drops his head onto Spock’s shoulder. “I suspect it is your inability to predict my actions that causes such anxiety, to which I have a temporary solution.”

Curiosity and hope light up Jim’s expression as he pulls back. “What?”

Spock removes his hands and steps away, arms at his sides. “You may… take the lead.” He inclines his head as he adds in a lower tone, “Instruct me.”

Jim’s eyes widen in surprise and his breath hitches. For a moment Spock isn’t sure he’s made a proper proposal, but that thought is gone when Jim closes the distance between them and slides his fingers under Spock’s shirt.

“This off, now. Boots, too.” His demand is impossible to fulfill for a few minutes while he occupies Spock’s mouth with fierce, open-mouthed kisses.

Eventually they are both bare-chested and barefoot. Jim wraps his fingers around Spock’s wrists and walks backward to his bed. He sits when his knees encounter the mattress. He looks up with a smug smile and frees his hands.

Leaning back on his elbows, Jim says, “Off with the pants.”

Somehow Spock manages to keep his expression stoic. He has to avert his gaze to keep his breathing even, however. Jim figures this out and insists their eyes meet. Spock looks and feels his pulse speed up. Jim’s gaze is intensely focused despite how distracting – certainly Spock finds it distracting – it must be to stroke his clothed erection.

Quickly Spock divests himself of pants, waiting on underwear as he has not been so prompted. His fingers twitch as he imagines placing his hands on that bare skin, tracing the handful of scars he can see.

“Now me,” Jim says hoarsely, removing his hand to help brace himself on the bed.

He watches Spock, keeping his gaze on the Vulcan’s face even though the other’s hands are going to his waist. With minimum skin-to-skin contact, though he wants to touch, Spock parts the fabric of Jim’s pants and tugs the cloth away. Kneeling on the floor, his face is close to such an expanse of skin he can’t help but lean near and inhale. Above him he hears Jim suck in a breath. Following instinct, Spock presses his lips to the inner side of Jim’s knee. A quick glance reveals that Jim feels no negative discomfort at this so Spock uses his tongue next. Jim makes a muffled sound of pleasure.

Keeping his face serious, although internally he’s quite amused, Spock asks, “Does not my mouth worry you?”

Jim scrutinizes him, expression clearly showing that he’s wondering why the hell Spock is stopping at a time like this. “Wor—? Fuck! Don’t you dare stop, you bastard!”

Spock licks the underside of Jim’s other knee before responding. “I am not a bastard, as my mother was married to my father at my conception—”

“Shut the hell up!” Jim pushes himself upright and bends over to grab Spock’s shoulders. He glares at the smile that has escaped onto the Vulcan’s face. “You… Alright. Up here!”

Jim shifts back on the bed and urges Spock to hurry up and follow him. Laying on their sides facing each other, Spock is unable to avoid the intent gaze of his friend. Without breaking eye contact, Jim moves Spock’s hand to his hip. The other hand is guided to his chest. Jim presses closer and mirrors the hand placements on Spock’s body.

“Just… follow my lead,” he says before he leans in for a long kiss.

Their hands move together, exploring from pectorals to glueteals. Jim presses closer and moans encouragingly when Spock’s fingers slide under the leg of his briefs. Jim returns the favor and moves his hand farther, fingertips digging firmly into the curve of Spock’s butt. A huff of breath escapes the Vulcan’s mouth; Jim chuckles and Spock can feel the upward turn of lips against his mouth.

Pressed this close together with such an expanse of naked skin, Spock can’t help but pick up on some of Jim’s feelings. The fire of arousal, devotion, desire, and a firm anchor of love. He can almost feel the strength of their friendship’s foundation; and although these are their first kisses, their first sexual encounter, and although they will have to work on Jim’s anxiety, Spock knows in this moment that they will be together.

Spock relaxes, letting Jim roll him onto his back. When Jim raises up to give him a questioning look, Spock arches up to rub their groins together. “What do you want?”

Jim groans, his eyelids fluttering shut as desire floods his expression. “Fuh-ck. Spock you—” He interrupts himself by attaching his lips to Spock’s collarbone and sucks. The Vulcan resists the urge to squirm, unsettled by the suction that he knows will result in a bruise. However, the rush of satisfaction from Jim makes the arrangement agreeable.

Jim shimmies out of his underpants and settles Spock’s hands in their place. He takes a moment to push Spock’s remaining clothing out of the way before settling between Spock’s thighs. With a sloppy kiss, Jim begins to rock.

“Let me,” Jim whispers, voice husky. His eyes are half-hidden by lowered eyelids. Spock stares blankly for a moment when Jim’s palm appears in view. Then Jim licks his own hand and Spock understands. After he leisurely licks the proffered palm, Jim circles both their penises in his grasp. As they continue to rock together, breathy, needy sounds pass Jim’s lips. His mouth traverses Spock’s throat – jaw – cheek – and the sensitive skin behind his ear.

Spock arches up into Jim’s movements and squeezes the muscles beneath his hands. He wishes he could move his hands, run his palms up Jim’s back, run his fingers through Jim’s sweaty hair, and add his grip to Jim’s hand that is urging him so close to climax. But he has promised Jim full control and is unwilling to upset their current harmony.

When Jim next kisses him, Spock has a glimpse of some future scene— Their fingers are entwined as Jim sits astride Spock, his lips parted in amazement. Both are breathing heavily. Jim raises himself onto his knees, trembling as he freezes for a moment, then slides back down. Spock’s eyes stay open, focused on his lover even though Jim closes his eyes as he begins to lift himself up and drop back down with increasing speed—

In the present, Spock gasps and pulls their hips together tightly as he reaches climax.

Spent, they lay together with Jim panting against his ear, breath damp and slightly cool. Spock’s grip loosens but he’s reluctant to move his hands. Jim shifts a little, his nose nudging against his lover’s jawbone.

“’M tired, but I kinda don’t want to be sticky…” Jim mumbles. His lips brush against Spock’s. “Stay here? Going to get a towel.”

“I’ll not move,” Spock responds, sliding his hands away.

Jim grimaces and then laughs as he pulls away, their mixed semen already tangling body hair together.

“Stay put,” Jim says. Spock snorts softly; the reminder isn’t necessary. Then he meet’s Jim’s gaze and understands that the man isn’t certain that Spock will stay.

Gentling his expression, Spock makes a point of settling against a pillow. “Please be quick so that I do not fall asleep… sticky.” He lets himself frown at the mess on his stomach and is pleased to hear Jim laugh.


Not too shabby for my first Trek fic. =D And damn that kink meme! I have 17 solid pages of prompts saved as “intriguing possibilities to write.” Jeez-Louise! I’d really, really appreciate some feedback. It’s been a while since I’ve written a long-ish fic.

P.S. Copy of story will be posted on my dreamwidth/insanejournal writing accounts. Any future editing will show up there.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 1st, 2009 04:19 pm (UTC)
I'm most amused by your 17 pages of prompts(and that's a warning that I shouldn't be trying to go through all the different prompts on that meme, or I'll end up like you). Also, I liked this story. I think you captured the Reboot Spock's personality more than a lot of other people who have tried. ^__^ Keep writing responses to those prompts! Because you cannot resist them!
Jul. 1st, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
Oh the prompt list has turned to 43 pages of interesting items... the more seriously considering file is probably 20ish. And I haven't collected/looked at prompt for about a week. *facepalm*

Thanks so much for commenting! =D

And I am working on the blind!Kirk prompt that came up. I'm going to be limiting myself to only a handful of works-in-progress for at least a month since I should be getting news about my trek_exchange assignment today... I've got the blind story... I'm doing a Eureka genderbend fic... and I'll have another Eureka fic to do. X_x and all of these I'm determined to finish. Yikes!
Jul. 2nd, 2009 06:42 am (UTC)
(Stumbled in off of scifibigbang)

Nice, and very hot indeed. Starts a little slow, but it's more than worth it to get to that ending!

(edited for a bad copy/paste in the HTML link, sorry about that)

Edited at 2009-07-02 06:44 am (UTC)
Jul. 2nd, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks. =3
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )