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Heartache

Most of my political reactions have been on Tumblr. As much as I'm trying to insert additional posts, of happier things and distractions, much of my posts lately have been reactions to last week's US election... and words of caution/warning signs.


Tears creep up on me on occasion. The only time I was near sobbing was just before needing to teach last Wednesday. Thankfully I have an amazing volunteer on Wednesdays (through December) who could help me get going. It also helped that none of my students talked about the election until I took a deep breath and talked a bit on Friday.

I'm beyond heart sick. There's anger in me, I know there is, but there's still no fire, no righteous fury. The overwhelming feeling that remains in place is the heavy, dampening weight of the sense of betrayal. I'll acknowledge that we don't know how bad things will be, but I cannot convince myself, nor find evidence, that what we're faced with will be good. After the Clusterfuck that is 2016, there's so much that's been sucked out of me at the external-impact level.

I don't know for sure what I'll be doing next year. Now that the election results are in, I feel like I can finally work on future plans. I need to do research into the possibility of moving out of country - if that's even feasible. I need to search for a reliable job that will offer financial security. (Cuts on government assistance and restrictions on immigration would mean a high likelihood of jobs in my field significantly reduce.)

What still guts me in particular for a personal impact is that the election results mean I will not be pursuing becoming a mother in the next few years. I have the privilege of being able to make my plans. At the same time, I feel like this choice is forced. With misogynists and homophobes going into the highest political offices of the US plus the conservative-dominated House and Senate... well. I honestly don't feel safe trying to pursue the complicated path of becoming pregnant and seeking services as a single, queer woman with chronic health problems. And that kills me.

A lot of my emotions in the past week have underlined for me the issue of white privilege. My mind keeps coming back around to wondering if this deep sense of betrayal, this deep wounded feeling, is what others of marginalized communities feel throughout their lives. This bitter betrayal and sense of losing trust and faith is what people of color feel when, as a society, we try to emphasize the status and so-called safety of the police. It's one thing to intellectually consider and discuss the divides and privilege of our society, but this has cut much deeper than anything has before for me.

I think this hurts so very deeply for me because I felt like we were getting somewhere. At least in terms of queer progress. I was shocked and so god damn happy (although also bittersweet) with the number of states passing laws to equalize marriage, and the stunning hope that the Supreme Court ruling brought. Everything about the past year's campaign defies logic, fucks over my mind. And it's so hard for me to understand how we got from an amazing historic court ruling to the massacre at Pulse this summer to having the president elect and VP elect (I have to swallow down bile whenever I hear these terms) who believe in conversion therapy. To putting people in office who are of the opinion that you're better off dead than queer.

I'm scared. I'm worried. I am so very, very sick. I hope you're safe, I hope you're finding outlets of comfort and distraction. May we be strong and supportive.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
enigmaticblues
Nov. 15th, 2016 02:56 pm (UTC)
I think that's it exactly. If we'd gotten this administration after 8 years of Bush II, it would have been a bitter pill, but it wouldn't have had this level of feeling betrayed.

*hugs*
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